Monday, March 28, 2011

You Deserve An Apology

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but I'm back with a sincere apology and an explanation.

If you've never seen the movie, “The Legend of Bagger Vance,” I'd like to suggest you watch it. If you do, you'll better understand where I'm coming from. You see, like Rannulph Junuh, the main character in the movie, I'd lost my 'authentic swing.'

Rannulph was a championship golfer. He was the best! He was in love with Adele and they were going to be married. Then he was sent to war where he became the leader of a squad. He gave the order for his men to advance and attack, and he was the only survivor of that bloody battle. That would leave anyone traumatized.

After the war, Rannulph didn't return home for twelve years. When he did, not only could he no longer respond to the love of his life, Adele, he also was unable to play golf. So, God sent an angel in the form of a vagrant named Bagger Vance, and the long road to recovery began.

How did I lose my 'authentic swing'? My life fell into a whirlwind when a painful shock and a succession of overpowering troubles threw me into depression. The thing about depression is, you don't really know you're in it until you start coming out of it. You just know something isn't right. I had what I'd heard called, 'a numbness of heart' – when the senses and feelings have become so overwhelmed with heartache, the person no longer feels.

So, I quit writing. I didn't want to write, or think about writing, or do much of anything else. I had no desire for anything. Of course, with that, I packed on more pounds than I care to admit. Why? Because I was busy pretending everything was okay. I didn't want anyone to know how empty I felt inside, and how I was struggling.

As Maya Angelo says in her poem, “I Wear the Mask,” I wore a mask. A plastic smiley face telling the world everything is perfect, yet I felt hollow and sad. I behaved as society expected me to behave, when inside I was in agony.

How did I overcome the depression? I prayed. A lot! I know the best place to go for comfort and healing of a broken heart is to Jesus. Every day I asked the Lord to heal my heart and He did one better. Are you surprised? I'm not. Whenever I least expect it, He does what I ask and more. He also healed my life. He gave me back my passions. My passions for writing and for living!

I began writing again. A little at a time. This healing did not happen overnight. It was a long process, but I've learned some valuable lessons.
1.I must let go and let God handle things.
2.I am not the one in control. When we try to control everything in our lives, we are in for a rude awakening.
3.When we hand our troubles over to God, He gives us a peace that no person can give us.
4.God also gives us the strength to go on while He is healing our heart.

I'm so glad to be writing and blogging again. I welcome any feedback and opinions.
Have any of you suffered the same agony? If you'd like to share, I'd like to listen.


  1. I am so glad you are feeling better! Depression is so hard to deal with. It's so much more horrible when you try to battle it alone.

  2. Lydia K
    Thanks. Had I not tried to keep my feelings inside myself, I don't believe it would've gripped me the way it had.

  3. You are right about depression, you don't realize you're in it and no one knows how to approach you. Glad you're doing better.

  4. Thanks, Ann. I am doing better and so is my writing. I hope all is well with you as well.

  5. Great to see you back, Mary! Here's to writing, and the blessings it can bring to your life as a talent God has given you. :)

  6. Hey Carol,
    It is good to be back. I look forward to the future blessings from this talent I know that I know that I know (a Joyce Meyer saying) God gave me. Hope you have a great day!